Dear you,

How long has it been? 19 months? Yet, you're still here. You're still here despite my mood swings. Despite my bitterness. Despite my loneliness. Why?

I don't know how long I can continue like this. You announcing to me that you might yet again leave and go further away for half a year definitely crushed my heart. You've hurt me once again; the first time was when you said you were going to this school. It felt like February 2017 all over  again. And it got me wishing that maybe I really should have stopped back then. Ah, regrets.

I don't understand how you can make decisions like this - like there was only you. I felt really neglected, unimportant. Do my feelings count? Do I count? Because all this time, it seems that I have done nothing but putting you first. Or maybe second. My point is that your decisions seem majorly focused on YOU and YOU alone. And I think it's really unfair because when I choose and decide over things, I always think about you and I include you in them. For example, this lady who was recruiting FLE teachers for the US. It seemed like a really good opportunity for me. If I would work in the US, it would mean that I'd be closer to my family there. But then, I thought about you. And I said to myself that maybe you would not like it there or perhaps you would not find a job that you like etc. So, I let it go. I decided that I will just stay here and look for other opportunities here. Then, there's the other thing about Scotland or England where you can be a teacher assistant for a year. I thought it was really cool. But I didn't apply for it because I didn't want to be so far away from you.

And yet, here you are telling me that you might be gone for six months beginning this summer. It felt like my blood left my body. Or as if someone had punched me in the chest. Someone might as well have. It wouldn't hurt as much. But really, I was so confused. I felt sad. I didn't know how to react. Am I too selfish for thinking that you should stay here with me? Am I too selfish for wanting to have you all for myself?

I don't know anymore. So I've decided that I will let you do whatever the f___ you want. It's your life after all. You know what is best for you. And I'm sure this internship will teach you lots of things. But I have to be honest. I am not sure if I can stay in a relationship like that anymore. You'll be in another time zone. And I know that we will barely be talking. We already are barely talking so I guess we won't be talking when you leave. I won't see you for six months - the thought alone is unbearable. Call me overdramatic. I don't care. That's me.

If you do decide to leave, I think it's best that we break up. Make it clean, civilised. It will be selfish of me. People will call me selfish or weak for not being able to support you in this endeavour. But I prefer to do this than give you a difficult time while you're away. I know myself. I will be so difficult. I will be sad. And I don't want to be sad. I don't want to put myself in a situation where I have to suffer emotionally. I am tired of being the one who understands. I am worth more than that. I want to be happy. And this is not going to make me happy. So I will choose something that will.